Friday, May 23, 2008

An IQ Test for Yankees Fans and Other Sporting Types

1. Should Joba Chamberlain move into the starting rotation?

A. Yes
B. Heck no, he's great in the 8th inning. And who else would fill that role??

If you want to know whether someone has the ability to use logic and reason, and has any remote understanding of the game of baseball, ask them the above question. If they answer A, be relieved. You are talking to a sentient human being. If they answer B, you might want to run away. They might be a wild animal, and/or they probably voted twice for George W. Bush.

Peter Abraham has a simple explanation for why A is the correct answer. Starting pitchers are more important than relief pitchers. The vast majority of relief pitchers are in that role because they failed at starting pitching at some level, or because management believed they would fail at starting pitching. Joba Chamberlain is exceedingly likely to succeed at starting pitching. Therefore...

Come on, monkeys, keep up.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Babe Ruth is not Walking Through That Door

It's never a good sign when your captain is echoing Celtics-era Rick Pitino in his post-game quotes:

"That doesn't matter that guys are out," captain Derek Jeter said. "You can bring back Gehrig, Ruth and DiMaggio, but we haven't been playing well. That's the bottom line."

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tim Kurkjian and Goose Gossage Love the Film "Pleasantville"

Tim Kurkjian has a preposterous article up on bemoaning the rampant celebrating in the game today. This is the first paragraph for reals:

In the only winner-take-all regular-season game in the history of Yankee Stadium, the Yankees beat the Red Sox on the final day of the 1949 season to win the pennant and advance to the World Series. "We didn't celebrate on the field, we didn't even shake hands," said former Yankees second baseman Jerry Coleman. "We just ran into the clubhouse."

Such world class douchebags as Frank Robinson, Don Sutton, and our own Aaron Boone proceed to complain about the nightmare of fist pumps, high fives and smiling that our beloved game has become.

Thank God.

Thank God we have heroic men like Tim Kurkjian, David Dellucci and Aaron Boone to protect us from the horrors of modern baseball. These kids today, if we didn't keep a close on them, might actually smile when they get a hit or congratulate a teammate on a 1-2-3 inning. WE CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN. If we allow fist pumps, or high fiving a fan after your fist major league home run, the game will quickly devolve into a post-apocalyptic, NBA-like world complete with hilarity, hijinks and on-field shootings. Joba Chamberlain will fire a pistol in the air in celebration of each strikeout like an old-timey bandito. Lastings Milledge will pretend to take his pants off and moon an opposing crowd. The end is nigh.

We need more old-fashioned values in baseball. We need to return to an era of calling your shots, hitting catchers in the head with bats, and prolonged campaigns to keep black players out of the major leagues. Seriously...have you seen how many darkies are playing baseball these days?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'm Still Right

The Rays scraping together a run against Rivera in does nothing to disprove the validity of my argument below.

Also, can someone please get Johnny Gomes a message: David Dellucci wants him to know that this is May baseball.

A Historic Night

It has become apparent this season that Joe Girardi learned well at the foot of the master of stupidity. For years (and years and years and...), Joe Torre cost the Yankees victories by refusing to use his best pitchers in the highest-leverage situations. Most egregiously, he steadfastly avoided bringing Mariano Rivera into tie games on the road in late innings. Why? Dunno. You'd have to ask Torre. Maybe the Big Book of Old-Timey Baseball Laws told him to.

Tonight, and not for the first time, Joe Girardi left Mariano Rivera sitting on his ass with the game on the line in a 1-1 game in the bottom of the ninth inning. He brought The Arsonist Kyle Farnsworth into the game instead. So Rivera would be saved to protect a lead that might very well never have occurred. That Farnsworth got out of the inning is entirely beside the point. Girardi needed to ask himself, "Who has the best chance to get this game to extra innings to give us a chance to win?" The answer is not Kyle Farnsworth.

I will not rest until the Yankees have a manager who, at the very least, doesn't blatantly hand the opposition games through sheer stupidity. A skipper with some basic understanding of the grander intricacies of the game would be nice, but I'm not chasing rainbows here. I'm just demanding a bare minimum of reasoning ability.

And so tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you the debut of.....

The "Fire Joe Girardi" tag!

That didn't take long.

Defending Joba's God-Given Right to Fist-Pump

Dear Goose Gossage,

I'm sorry I supported your election to the Hall of Fame for so many years. I didn't realize you were a huge douchebag.



Thursday, May 8, 2008

When I Perish, David Dellucci Will Judge My Sins

All-time baseball great David Dellucci has appointed himself moral arbiter and guardian of our cherished national pastime.

The Dellooch doesn't like it when mean old Joba Chamberlain pumps his fist. According to St. Peter's eventual replacement:

"It is what it is. If he wants to yell and scream after a strikeout, I guess that's what gets him going. It's May baseball. The home run was in a much bigger situation. I didn't dance and scream."

First of all, Dellucci's home run came in the 8th inning of a two-run game. Joba's strikeout came in the 8th inning of a three-run game. Wow! Huge difference.
Second, why does Papelbon never get crap for this?

Third, fuck you, Dellucci. The guy pumped his fist. You precious unwritten rules of the game are for old-timey players from the Depression. Settle down.

Fourth, do you happen to remember your teammate C.C. Sabathia's reaction last week when he struck a couple Yankees out in the sixth inning? He screamed obscenities while looking right at them. And pumped his fist. I don't remember any holier-than-thou quotes from you in the press that day.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Demote Joba

Boooooooo! Boooooooooooooooooo!

You suck, Joba! Hey Joba! Joba! You suck!!

Over-rated (clap clap, clap clap clap)

Friday, May 2, 2008

An Open Letter to Every Yankees Fan Who Booed Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy

Dear Garbage,

Fuck you. You are a worthless piece of human detritus who gives Yankees fans a bad name. Booing kids in their early 20s because they don't meet your expectations? Classy. It's not like these guys are making $30 million a year, and you can claim you're booing them because they're not earning their lofty contracts (although that's a poor excuse for booing as well). You read in the newspapers, and on blogs like this one, that these kids are good. And they haven't been good.

So what do you think booing them will accomplish? Toughen them up, make them True Yankees? Bullshit. You're making hard times harder, and if you morons have any effect at all, it will be a negative one. You want to boo Ed Whitson? ARod? Danny Tartabull? Fine. Have at it. Boo guys who don't seem to be giving an honest effort? Hell yes. Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy? FUCK YOU IN THE FACE.



And PS, Savior, sorry about that whole not-believing-you-were-really-hurt-thing. Hard to blame me though, as evasive as Joe Girardi has been about injuries.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I Believe in Coyotes and Time as an Abstract

Raise your hand if you really think Phil Hughes has a strained oblique muscle.