Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tim Kurkjian and Goose Gossage Love the Film "Pleasantville"

Tim Kurkjian has a preposterous article up on bemoaning the rampant celebrating in the game today. This is the first paragraph for reals:

In the only winner-take-all regular-season game in the history of Yankee Stadium, the Yankees beat the Red Sox on the final day of the 1949 season to win the pennant and advance to the World Series. "We didn't celebrate on the field, we didn't even shake hands," said former Yankees second baseman Jerry Coleman. "We just ran into the clubhouse."

Such world class douchebags as Frank Robinson, Don Sutton, and our own Aaron Boone proceed to complain about the nightmare of fist pumps, high fives and smiling that our beloved game has become.

Thank God.

Thank God we have heroic men like Tim Kurkjian, David Dellucci and Aaron Boone to protect us from the horrors of modern baseball. These kids today, if we didn't keep a close on them, might actually smile when they get a hit or congratulate a teammate on a 1-2-3 inning. WE CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN. If we allow fist pumps, or high fiving a fan after your fist major league home run, the game will quickly devolve into a post-apocalyptic, NBA-like world complete with hilarity, hijinks and on-field shootings. Joba Chamberlain will fire a pistol in the air in celebration of each strikeout like an old-timey bandito. Lastings Milledge will pretend to take his pants off and moon an opposing crowd. The end is nigh.

We need more old-fashioned values in baseball. We need to return to an era of calling your shots, hitting catchers in the head with bats, and prolonged campaigns to keep black players out of the major leagues. Seriously...have you seen how many darkies are playing baseball these days?