Kyle Snider was Given a Key to the City

From Peter Gammons' most recent column:

When it came to Tuesday's parade, Mike Lowell, Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury and Jonathan Papelbon received the most attention.

Hmmm....now what do all those players have in common? They're the best players on the team, right? Oh, wait, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez weren't mentioned.

What could it be? I did hear a rumor that it stayed white out very late at the parade.

An Open Letter from Gary Sheffield

Dear Elijah:

I offered to mentor you a while back, and I haven't heard anything from you in response. I thought that since we come from the same place, you would at least show me the respect of giving me an answer. So be it. It seems this public offering is the only way I can reach you.

Your marriage has run into some troubled waters. I've been there, right where you are now, young man, so listen to the voice of wisdom and experience. You and your lovely wife will get through this. The two of you are meant to be together, to walk this world as one for the rest of your lives. It might not seem that way now, since you text messaged her pictures of guns, and threatened to kill her. And since she accused you in open court of smoking marijuana daily and taking steroids. But it's true. Getting through hard times together is what makes a marriage strong.

When you told your wife, "You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshitting. Your kids, too," I could hear the love in your soul aching to get out. The anger is a mask, sweet Elijah. Take it from one who knows. You need to seek The Calmness. Only once you have found peace within yourself can you recognize your wife for who she is — your soulmate, your better half, your Earth Angel, your buttercup. Then, you will reunite in a lasting, blissful union. At long last, you'll be able to stop crying yourself to sleep at night with a pint of Haagen-Dazs and your Tivo'd episodes of "The View." (I miss Rosie, too.)

There was a time when I thought my beautiful wife and I might not make it through our own tribulations. But once she showered enough times that I couldn't smell R. Kelly's piss on her anymore, everything got better. It will for you too. Peace be with you.

Your mentor,

Sheff

Great Moments in American Race Relations

I 'm no fan of Joe Torre as a manager, but you have got to be fucking kidding me.

I guess Gary Sheffield didn't get as much publicity as he wanted for writing his little book in the off-season, when he dared to to criticize the lionized Mr. Torre. So he's decided to take it to another level.

This guy has to actively search for ways to make himself angry, because that's the only way he stays motivated.

Some people in this world are just assholes — nothing more, nothing less. Gary Sheffield is an asshole.

And I don't know how Derek Jeter's going to sleep tonight, knowing that he ain't all the way black.

Shhhh! Gary Sheffield has the Floor

Our nation's foremost civil rights expert, Gary Sheffield, has lent his voice and learned opinion to yet another vital, pressing topic: who's more malleable, blacks or Latinos?

Speaketh the Sheff:

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. ... (It's about) being able to tell (Latin players) what to do -- being able to control them. Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man. These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

What I love about this quote is that Sheffield is assuming that because he's a paranoid, uncoachable assholes, all black people are paranoid, uncoachable assholes. That's some forward thinking right there. Here are some other qualities that Elijah Dukes's mentor believes all African-Americans share:

-They have all used "the clear," but totally didn't know that shit had steroids in it
-They all attended Hillsborough High School
-They all waggle their bats
-They all have wives that get pissed on by R. Kelly
-They all punch Red Sox fans while fielding balls near the right-field foul line (if only!)

Each One of Us is a Brain, and an Athlete, and a Basket Case...

Michael Kay mentioned during last night's abomination of a game that Devil Rays center fielder Elijah Dukes attended Hillsborough High School in Tampa, Fla., which is also the alma matter of Dwight Gooden, Gary Sheffield and Carl Everett.

Wow.


Good ol' Hillsborough High, "Home of the Big Red," is doing a fantastic job of churning out quality citizens. I just checked out their course catalog, and they offer some innovative classes for their top-level athletes:

• "No one Ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex": The Dinosaur Fallacy
• Defining Indefinite Suspensions
• Sewer Water vs. Evian: What Whitey Gets to Shower In
• Breaking Pyscho Fan's Heart: How to Break Up No-Hitters at Fenway
• Gays Being Gay is Wrong: Defending Yourself Against Locker-Room Homos
• Malcolm, Martin & Sheff: The Calmness
• Making Veiled Suicide Threats Work for You
• Taking a Telephone to the Head from your Lady (special guest instructor Russell Crowe)

Gary Sheffield: Civil Rights Hero. Leader of Men.

Let's break down Gary Sheffield's recent Page 2 interview FJM-style:

Alipour: From the feedback you've gotten, what is shaping up to be the most controversial revelation in the book?

Sheffield: I think it's actually my departure from the Yankees. People think I'm bitter and angry that I left, but I was just talking about the conditions of what went on.

When I think of Gary Sheffield, "bitter and angry" are the last adjectives that come to mind. He has a blissful serenity to the way he goes about his business. I think he might be the Dalai Lama in disguise.

Of course he's not bitter and angry...he got a huge contract extension from the Tigers, which is what he was after the whole time.

But I've played for teams that were family-oriented organizations. They made you feel like family. The Yankees are strictly a business. Baseball is your life and everything else is secondary.

Gary Sheffield is nothing if not a family man. I bet his family has loved living in seven different cities over the past 16 years, because Papa either leaves for more money elsewhere, or makes himself persona non grata until he's essentially forced out. Sheff's love for his family knows no bounds.

Alipour: You assign some blame to Joe Torre for the Yankees' quick ouster …

Sheffield: No, one thing I did not do is "blame." I might've said what's on my mind, but I don't blame anyone.

Alipour: Well, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but in the book, you criticize Torre …

Sheffield: See, that's not blaming. You show me where I blamed him.

LISTEN TO ME, MOTHERFUCKER. DIDN'T YOU TAKE ENGLISH IN HIGH SCHOOL? GARY SHEFFIELD UNDERSTANDS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WORDS "BLAME" AND "CRITICIZE." ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? I AM THE LEAST BITTER, ANGRY PERSON ON EARTH.

Alipour: As time went on, you sought what you call "The Calmness." Have you finally found that calmness?

Sheffield: I found it. That's the thing. If you have that in you, nothing can trigger you. I might have dealt with things differently when I was, like, 25, but when I go through something now, I look at the source and deal with it accordingly.

Fuck, man, when I was 25, if Joe Torre had dared...nay, if he had even considered batting me 8th, I would have beaten the side of his face in with a bat like Al Capone. Now I just demand a trade, complain to the media all winter, and sob myself to sleep with a pint of Chubby Hubby. Whole new Sheff.

Alipour: You've got a reputation for expressing the brutal truth, so now that you've found The Calmness, do you have any specific regrets as a mature, calm adult?

Sheffield: Not at all. Because the rage was in me, and if it wasn't for the rage, then I wouldn't know how to be calm. They feed off of each other. Just like when Malcolm X fed off Martin Luther King. They needed each other.

For the record, Gary Sheffield just compared two of his imaginary personality traits to civil rights heroes. Sheff isn't just Malcolm or Martin, he's both, all rolled into one.

Alipour: In the book, you blamed race for some management decisions -- like when the Brewers moved you to third base so Billy Spiers could play your preferred position of shortstop...

Gary Sheffield made 12 errors in 70 games as a shortstop in 1989. Fucking racist Brewers. Why does Whitey want to "make outs" and "win baseball games"? Huh?

Alipour: But while working out with Bonds after the 2001 season, you wrote that you received some cream from his trainer Greg Anderson -- which you applied to some busted stitches -- and you also took some vitamins from Bonds, who got them from Anderson, who got them from BALCO head Victor Conte. Later, you made a check out to BALCO, linking you to this scandal forever. For the record, were those substances -- the vitamins and cream -- tainted? And if not, how can you be sure?

Sheffield: I know they weren't tainted. Tell me how rubbing something on me will make you feel any different? That's the most preposterous thing I've ever heard. Tell me this: Have you ever gone to a store and had a steroid-based cream put on you?

Alipour: Can't say that I have.

Sheffield: OK then, so are you on steroids?

Alipour: No.

Gary Sheffield has just blown my mind. Did you see that he just did there? He's like F. Lee Bailey, Perry Mason and Arnie Becker combined, but way more peaceful.

Alipour: What's the one thing you want readers to take away from this book?

Sheffield: That they'd see I'm a sincere person, a likable person, and if they got to know me, they'd like me. No doubt about it.

Some quotes from the likable Gary Sheffield:

• "The Brewers brought out the hate in me. I was a crazy man. . . . I hated everything about the place. If the official scorer gave me an error, I didn't think was an error, I'd say, 'OK, here's a real error,' and I'd throw the next ball into the stands on purpose.' "
• "It don't make a difference who it is. If I didn't choose to go there, things are gonna have to change about my whole situation, contract, years, everything. Other than that, you might as well not bother trading for me, cause you're gonna have a very unhappy player. You gonna inconvenience me, I'm gonna inconvenience every situation there is. I mean, the only reason I'm playing is 'cause I wanna play for the Yankees."
• "Only two, three pitchers have helped me out. The rest have been girls. They won't throw at anybody if you paid them. I've been thrown at in every park I've played in."
• "Barry told me what I have to do to finish my career as a Hall of Famer. I want to end my career with the Atlanta Braves and be a Hall of Famer with the Atlanta Braves."