Monday, June 4, 2007

Shhhh! Gary Sheffield has the Floor

Our nation's foremost civil rights expert, Gary Sheffield, has lent his voice and learned opinion to yet another vital, pressing topic: who's more malleable, blacks or Latinos?

Speaketh the Sheff:

"I called it years ago. What I called is that you're going to see more black faces, but there ain't no English going to be coming out. ... (It's about) being able to tell (Latin players) what to do -- being able to control them. Where I'm from, you can't control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that's a person that you're going to talk to with respect, you're going to talk to like a man. These are the things my race demands. So, if you're equally good as this Latin player, guess who's going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys."

What I love about this quote is that Sheffield is assuming that because he's a paranoid, uncoachable assholes, all black people are paranoid, uncoachable assholes. That's some forward thinking right there. Here are some other qualities that Elijah Dukes's mentor believes all African-Americans share:

-They have all used "the clear," but totally didn't know that shit had steroids in it
-They all attended Hillsborough High School
-They all waggle their bats
-They all have wives that get pissed on by R. Kelly
-They all punch Red Sox fans while fielding balls near the right-field foul line (if only!)