Tuesday, July 17, 2007

An Open Letter from Gary Sheffield

Dear Elijah:

I offered to mentor you a while back, and I haven't heard anything from you in response. I thought that since we come from the same place, you would at least show me the respect of giving me an answer. So be it. It seems this public offering is the only way I can reach you.

Your marriage has run into some troubled waters. I've been there, right where you are now, young man, so listen to the voice of wisdom and experience. You and your lovely wife will get through this. The two of you are meant to be together, to walk this world as one for the rest of your lives. It might not seem that way now, since you text messaged her pictures of guns, and threatened to kill her. And since she accused you in open court of smoking marijuana daily and taking steroids. But it's true. Getting through hard times together is what makes a marriage strong.

When you told your wife, "You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshitting. Your kids, too," I could hear the love in your soul aching to get out. The anger is a mask, sweet Elijah. Take it from one who knows. You need to seek The Calmness. Only once you have found peace within yourself can you recognize your wife for who she is — your soulmate, your better half, your Earth Angel, your buttercup. Then, you will reunite in a lasting, blissful union. At long last, you'll be able to stop crying yourself to sleep at night with a pint of Haagen-Dazs and your Tivo'd episodes of "The View." (I miss Rosie, too.)

There was a time when I thought my beautiful wife and I might not make it through our own tribulations. But once she showered enough times that I couldn't smell R. Kelly's piss on her anymore, everything got better. It will for you too. Peace be with you.

Your mentor,