A’s pitcher Dallas Braden sits in his locker, surrounded by reporters.
Can you tell us what happened out there, Dallas?
Look, Hoss. That’s my mound out there. Mine. Know what I’m sayin’? And I don’t care if you’re some big star or somethin’, that’s my mound, and you can’t be on there. There’s like a big ol’ No Trespassing sign on there. And ain’t nobody setting foot on my mound while I’m out there.
It’s an unwritten baseball rule, y’all.
And ain’t nobody breaking no rules while ol’ Dallas is in spittin’ distance.
Roll Opening Credits: Diamond Dallas Braden is THE PROTECTOR. Only on CBS.
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EXT. DODGER STADIUM – DAY
Clayton Kershaw stands on the mound. The scoreboard shows that he has allowed no hits to the Astros through 8 innings, and the Dodgers lead the Astros 2-0. Houston outfielder Michael Bourn stands at the plate to lead off the ninth. Kershaw stares in for the sign, then winds and delivers. Bourn whips his bat out in front of the plate and lays a beautiful surprise bunt down the third base line. He races for first as Dodgers third baseman Casey Blake charges the ball. Bourn gets a great jump out of the box and it looks like he’ll be safe by a mile. Blake then juggles the ball as he tries to pick it up. Bourn is just two steps from first when…
Aw HELLLL NOOOOOOOOO!
Dallas Braden leaps out of the crowd, charges onto the field and tackles Bourn before he can reach first base. He pins Bourn to the ground with his arm on throat. Bourn looks up at him in disbelief as Blake tosses to first for the out.
What the fuck? What are you even doing here? You’re on the A’s.
Unwritten rule, homey. You don’t try to bunt to break up a no-hitter. Not on my fuckin’ watch.
We’re only down two runs, asshole. I’m just trying to get on base.
You shut your punk mouth, faggot. Ain’t you got your copy of Baseball’s Unwritten Rules (King James version)? Ain’t no buntin’ in a no-hitter.
Dallas pulls a walkie-talkie out of his back pocket.
Hey partner….Hey David. We got a live one here. We’re gonna have to send him to County lockup to cool his buntin’ heels.
INT. DOME – NIGHT
Carl Crawford leads off first base. The scoreboard shows that Tampa is beating Toronto 6-1 in the bottom of the 7th inning. The Blue Jays pitcher comes set and goes into his windup. Crawford breaks for second and steals the bag, easily beating the catcher’s throw. He stands on second base, dusting himself off when he feels something strange, then looks down to see a patch of blood seeping through his uniform pant leg. He crumples to the ground in pain, and looks helplessly at the umpires while Alex Gonzalez tags him out.
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What…what happened?
Dallas Braden strolls onto the field, holding a Winchester rifle against his leg.
Aw hell no, bitch.
Did you…did you just shoot me?
You’re fuckin’ right I shot you, little bitch. I fuckin’ sniped you in your little bitch leg, you bet your sweet Aunt Fanny.
Why???
You done broke an unwritten rule of the game. Can’t be no stealin’ of bases when your team’s got a big lead. Ain’t right.
It’s only a five-run lead! They could come back!
Dallas shoots Carl Crawford in the other leg.
That there’s what we Protectors call a preventative measure. Or a deterrent. Or some shit.
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EXT. STADIUM – DAY
Washington’s Ian Desmond stands at the plate in the midst of a Nationals-Phillies game. Roy Halladay is set to pitch and looks in for the sign, then goes into his windup. Desmond gets something caught in his contact lens and steps out of the batters box.
Time, ump!
Dallas Braden strolls onto the field, walks up to Ian Desmond, and puts his arm around him.
How ya doin’ rook?
Hey Dallas, what the heck are you doing here? Last time I saw you was in Chatanooga, Double A, right? How you been?
I been fine, rook. Just fine.
That’s great to hear. Man, I sure am glad we’re in different leagues. I hate facing your two-seamer.
Right, right, right. I got a question to pose to you, rook. What in the Sam Hell do you think you’re doing?
Huh?
Steppin’ out of the hitters box like that. What in the Sam Hell was that all about? You got your panties up in a ruffle, boy? Need to get out of there in a hurry or somethin’?
What? No, I just had something in my eye. Where did you even come from? Aren’t the A’s playing in Detroit right now?
Shh, shh, shh. You hush your mouth now, pretty boy. Ain’t you seen that Roy up there had already done gone into his pitching motion? Ain’t you heard the unwritten rule that you can’t be steppin’ out of the hitters box once the pitcher’s done gone into his motion?
Yeah, but I couldn’t see anything…I asked for time…
AW HELLL NOOOOO. I told you to hush up. Now here’s what I’mma do. Since this is your first offense, I’mma give you like a warning. But if you ever, EVER break one of the unwritten rules again, I’mma come into your parents’ house in the middle o’ the night. And I’mma creep up them stairs while they’re snoozing away, all peaceful-like. Then, I’mma stab your Daddy in the gut with my Bowie knife. And while he feels the last traces of life slipping away from him, I’mma make him watch as I get all romantic-like with your Momma. I’mma do it with her all sweet and gentle like while your Daddy bleeds out all over the bed.
Dallas looks directly at the camera again.
‘Cause I’m Diamond Dallas Braden – The Protector!
FADE OUT.
