Wednesday, March 21, 2007

An Open Letter to Sportswriters

If you are a sportswriter for a major media outlet, not a blogger, and not Bill Simmons, please please please please please do not write about music, films, television or anything else not involving bats, balls and sticks.

Peter "Prince, Schmince" King is most notorious for revealing himself to be a douche of such epic proportions through pop culture commentary that it's impossible to take anything he says about sports seriously. But he is not alone.

Peter Gammons, I used to admire you. I really did. I thought you were a wise old Andrew Jackson-looking sage put on this earth to reveal titillating trade rumors and bestow unto me amazing fantasy sleepers. But things have changed. I respect your love for music, but no one wants to hear your opinion of the latest Pearl Jam album.

Now comes this: "Barry Levinson's list of film credits reads like Henry Aaron's Cooperstown resume. 'Diner.' 'Rain Man.' And-on-and-on-and-on-and-on."

Think about this for a minute. Gammons is claiming that Barry Levinson is the Hank Aaron of directors. One of the two or three greatest of all time.

"Man of the Year." "Wag the Dog." "Jimmy Hollywood." "Sphere." "Toys." "Disclosure." And-on-and-on-and-on-and-on. What a resume.

Find me Hank Aaron seasons that are the equivalent of "Jimmy Hollywood."

Oh, and Peter? I do not give a fuck that Levinson thinks Josh Hamilton is the real-life Natural. Write 50 straight Theo Epstein dick-sucking columns for all I care. Just write about baseball.

Levinson says, "Hamilton is what Roy Hobbs was all about. Everyone deserves a second chance. If the kid is an example for other young people with problems, he can be a hero. The second chance is what America is about."

I'm pretty sure they were saying the same things about Lawrence Phillips a few years ago.