Friday, March 30, 2007

Mark Prior is a Bitch

Let's all take a quiet moment today to give thanks that Mark Prior didn't sign with the Yankees when they drafted him out of high school.

The former wunderkind has been sent to Triple A to start the season, and he's not handling it very well.

When he first received the news, Prior left the clubhouse quickly, brusquely sidestepping reporters. At long last, though, The Great One has spoken:

''The goal now is to go down and help that team win and try to make the Triple-A All-Star team,'' he joked. ''Maybe I'll get invited to the Futures Game or something. I'm still 26.''

"I'm under their control until I'm not under their control. It's up to them whether they want me. I'm just an employee.''

Oh, I'm so sorry we hurt your feelings, your Highness. Of course, the powerful, brilliant Mark Prior deserves a spot in the Cubs' starting rotation at all times, even when he can't top 85 on the radar gun. Even when he struggles against spring lineups comprised of a hodgepodge of legitimate major leaguers, bench stiffs and low-level minor leaguers. Even when he hasn't shown he can pitch effectively in two years. Even when he hasn't shown he can remain healthy in four years.

Our deepest apologies, sir, on behalf of the entire Cubs organization. Forget the minors, you're starting opening day. It doesn't matter if you give up seven runs in 2 2/3's your birthright. Your sparkling wit has shown us the light. How dare anyone send Mark Prior to the minor leagues? This is MARK FUCKING PRIOR we are talking about. He was good in 2003! He was a very high draft pick!

I'm sure Prior's teammates on the Iowa Cubs found it hysterical that he belittled their team, and slammed their all-star game. I hope someone punches him in the vagina when he gets there.

April 3: Des Moines, Iowa (Reuters) - Mark Prior (Iowa Cubs) has been placed on the 60-day DL with a concussed vaginal area.