Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Scenes From a Parade

The Red Sox victory parade crawls down Boylston Street. Three Red Sox fans stand on the sidewalk pounding Sam Adams Lights as the floats pass them by. It's 11 a.m.


Smitty: Fuck yeah they do! YANKEES MUTHAFUCKING SUCK!!!

Sully: Holy mother of fuck do the Yankees fucking suck!

Fitzie: Dude, check it the fuck out: It's Youk! On that float!



Fitzie: (pulls off his "Derek Jeter is a Gay" T-shirt; pours beer down his chest) Is it just me, boys, or does the Samuel Motherfucking Adams taste a little bit sweeter today?

Smitty: Fuck yeah it does (smashes his beer bottle at the feet of two high school girls standing nearby) What? What the fuck you looking at? You gotta fucking problem?

Fitzie: (grabs genitalia) You want some of this, ladies? Huh? Yeah, that's right, run away. Fucking bitches.

Sully: I think right now the Yankees suck harder than they ever sucked, kid.

Fitzie: YANKEES SUCK!!! How's ya big payroll now, Yankees?

Smitty: Dude, there goes Coco Crisp. Look at that cocksucker, smiling like he fucking did something. What did you do, Crisp?? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?

Sully: I swear to God, that guy might as well be a fucking Yankee.

Smitty: Holy fuck, there's Jacoby. Jacoby! Ovah here! Ovah here! I fucking love you!

Fitzie: Goddamnit, he won't even fucking look at us. Jacoby! Bastard thinks he's too good to have a drink with some regular Boston boys.

Smitty: Fuck you, Jacoby, you fucking stuck-up piece of shit! We're trading you to the Yankees!

Sully: YANKEES SUCK!!! (punches random black person who happens to be walking by)


Sully: Dude, do you know what is so fucking sweet?

Smitty: That fucking ball girl on the right field line's ass?

Sully: That too. But I mean how we were able to win this fucking thing even though we're not some gay-ass big market team like the fucking Yankees.

Fitzie: For real, kid.

Sully: We won this thing cause Theo's a fucking genius, and Dustin Pedroia has the heart of Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels combined.

Smitty: (singing) I'm just a sexy boy!

Fitzie: The fucking Yankees can spend all their money all they want. All it buys them is Gay-Rod (five minute break while he laughs hysterically at the nickname, then composes himself) who goes like one for a million in the playoffs.

Smitty: But wait a second. Gay-Rod (more giggling) ain't a Yankee no more, so maybe we can't hate him. What if Theo signs him?

Sully: DO NOT WANT! That kid is fucking gay. And he has purple lips! That's gay!

Fitzie: We fucking hate gays! YANKEES SUCK!!!

Smitty: Hey guys, this parade looks wicked sweet. Do you think we should pay attention instead of spending one of the only good moments we'll ever have in our lives talking about the Yankees? Should we let our hatred go?

Sully: ...

Fitzie: ...

Sully: Why are you talking like a fucking fag?

Smitty: Fuck, kid, you're right. (smashes Sam Adams bottle) YANKEES SUCK!!!

Fitzie: Hey, what do you want to do after this? Besides drinking more sweet fucking Sam Adams of course.

Sully: I heard Gone Baby Gone's playing at Kendall Square.

Smitty: Sweet. Let's hit that, then the strip club, then we'll go back to Fitzie's place and draw some sweet fucking pictures of Andy Pettitte making out with Mike Mussina.