Friday, April 27, 2007

The Ten Most Loathsome Red Sox of All Time

In honor of this weekend's clash, and after much research, deliberation and debate, Psycho Fan Inc. presents the 10 most loathsome players ever to disgrace themselves by putting on that ugly, undistinguished red and white uniform:

10. Pedro Martinez
Now that Pedro Martinez has become the clown prince of New York, it's all too easy to forget what a despicable figure he was during his time in Boston. An agitator and a headhunter, Martinez routinely threw at the heads of opposing hitters, taunted rival players and pointed and gestured at the other team's dugout. He also hurled an elderly man with a head injury into the ground with force. The Zimmer incident became a joke, but Martinez never caught the heat he deserved for it. Slippery like a Teflon don, he eluded responsibility for most of the ugly incidents he caused. He was also responsible for thousands of Dominican fans showing up at Yankee Stadium wearing Martinez T-shirts and jerseys (though, unbeknownst to them, some of them were Tino Martinez jerseys), and beating homemade percussion instruments while cheering wildly for the Red Sox. Pedro is also the author of the most obvious and least effective attempt at reverse psychology in history when he called the Yankees his daddy.

9. Jerry Remy
The Massholes love and embrace "The Rem Dawg" as one of their own because of his cutesy common-man approach to broadcasting and unspeakably unpleasant accent. He ranks just below Hawk Harrelson and Bert Blyleven on the "worst analysts in baseball" list. A mediocre second baseman at his best, he nonetheless ranked #100 on Bill James's list of the best second basemen of all time, thanks to the obvious pro-Boston bias of the author. He makes references to something called "Rem Dawg Nation." The hokiest of the hokey, sycophantic and cloying, Remy needs to be put out to pasture.

8. Kevin Millar
Popularized the phrase "cowboy up." Spoke and acted like an important player, when he was, in fact, a lumbering oaf incapable of fielding any position, and an average hitter at best. Forever classy, admirably loyal, Millar served as a replacement player during the 1994 players' strike. Always ready with a ridiculous quote for frothing Boston media.

7. David Ortiz
Seen as a lovable, huggable giant, Ortiz is as ego-driven as any non-Schilling in baseball. Openly campaigned for the MVP award in September 2006 by attempting to throw Derek Jeter under the bus, when he was, in fact, not qualified to be MVP by virtue of being a DH and also fat. He has also cast some kind of black-magic voodoo spell on Joe Torre, convincing the Yankees' manager not to walk him under any circumstances.

6. Mike Greenwell
Part of the proud Red Sox history of loathsome left fielders patrolling the area in front of the Green Monster, Greenwell rocked one of the ugliest moustaches in baseball history. He has also attempted to use the steroid scandal to make himself look like a better hitter than he really was. In 1997, he signed with the Hanshin Tigers of the Japanese league, in an area recently devastated by a powerful earthquake. He abandoned the club after a few games, kicking the fans in the teeth on the way out. Now races stockcars or trucks or something, like the redneck he is. Attempted to steal the nickname "Gator" from its rightful owner, Ron Guidry.

5. Ted Williams
A surly, cranky son-of-a-bitch, like Ty Cobb without the racism. It's fitting for the city of Boston to detest its greatest sports hero for years, and for him to detest them right back. Only as he grew old and feeble, then died, did Red Sox fans embrace the greatest hitter who ever lived, more out of guilt than anything else. Williams didn't acknowledge the fans while playing, because his petty little ego didn't like occasional booing. His sensitivity makes ARod look callous by comparison. Boston got the "hero" it deserved, and Williams got the fan base he deserved. Also, the legend of Williams hitting a home run in his last at-bat is a manufactured fallacy. That at-bat occurred with three games left in the season, and Williams was held out for the remaining games, so the homer would be his last official act as a player. Hmm, that kind of self-aggrandizement reminds me of somebody...

4. Manny Ramirez
Portrayals of Manny as a simple, stupid man-child miss the point...dude's a thug. He stands at home plate watching endlessly after hitting home runs. He submarines his team with empirically proven lack of hustle, or worse, lack of playing altogether due to unhappiness and/or fake injuries. Ramirez needlessly escalated tensions in the Zimmer/Pedro game when he menacingly stared at the mound after Roger Clemens threw a fastball high and over the plate. Manny may in fact be simple and stupid, but he's also selfish as fuck.

3. Carl Yastrzemski
Amazingly, a Google search for "Carl Yastrzemski sucks" returns no results. Let's see if we can fix that.

2. Jason Varitek
If Derek Jeter is Captain Intangibles, Jason Varitek is Captain Douchey McDoucherton. He wears a "C" on his jersey, which looks ridiculous and serves to remind everyone what a self-important asshole Varitek is. His cheap shot with a glove to ARod's face, while wearing a mask, remains one of the great cowardly passive-aggressive moments in sports history. He truly represents everything wrong with the current full-of-themselves Sox squad. Sadly for Varitek, #2 is as high as he will ever rise on this list, because #1 is locked up for eternity by...

1. Curt Schilling
Someday, I'll run out of bad things to say about Curt Schilling. Thankfully, that day is a long way off, and he hasn't even started his political career yet. Someone needs to start a campaign to keep Schilling out of the Hall of Fame, because his induction speech would be the single worst moment in history, inducing mass vomiting across the country. Curt Schilling is: self-righteous, overrated, tubby, manipulative, deceitful, hostile, egotistical and dull. He is the most hateable player in the history of the most hateable franchise in sports, beloved by the most hateable fans in the world. It's the perfect storm of loathing.