An A.J. Burnett Elimination Game

And so it was written. And so it has come to pass.

Ever since the rainout on Friday night, this series has unfolded with the inevitability of a Rube Goldberg contraption. The little ball had started rolling, it was about to knock into some lever, a chicken was going to lay an egg, and eventually A.J. Burnett would start an elimination game. You could see it happening but could do nothing to prevent it.

The Yankees' lack of foresight has led us here: first including A.J. Burnett on the post-season roster, and then a series of Joe Girardi moves that harmed the team in two winnable games.

But here we are.

It's dark. It's freezing cold. We've reached our end.

Fire Joseph Elliott Girardi

Let's leave aside for the moment that Joe Girardi and the Yankees brain trust elected to include the incompetent A.J. Burnett on the post-season roster and that now Burnett is in a position to decide the Yankees season.

(What's that? You can't leave that aside? It's consuming you? It's created a fire of rage within you that can't be extinguished? Huh.)

Steven Goldman at Pinstriped Bible calls Girardi's playoffs manifestation "Coffee Joe" because the Yankees' manager gets hyper in the post-season and overthinks the game. And Coffee Joe was at his caffeinated worst yesterday in guiding the Yankees to a 5-3 defeat to Detroit at home.


First, down 4-0 in the 7th inning with two on and one out, Girardi pinch hit Eric Chavez for Brett Gardner -- a move he never made all season and would never make in any regular season. Chavez, who has shown almost no power this season (80:1 AB/HR ratio), predictably struck out. Girardi's explanation? "Just hoping he might pop one." Uh huh.

Then, in the 9th inning, down 4-1, Girardi elected to send his single worst non-Burnett pitcher to the mound. Again predictably, Luis Ayala yielded a run and the Yankees batted in the 9th down 5-1. When they inevitably rallied, that extra run really didn't help. Neither did Andruw Jones batting against a right-hander instead of Gardner.

Why, why, why pitch Ayala? It's indefensible. David Robertson and Rafael Soriano hadn't pitched since Tuesday? Was a 4-1 deficit so insurmountable (with one of the game's best offenses) that Girardi felt the need to throw up the white flag? When three losses will end your season, maybe you shouldn't give one away so easily.

Can't wait to see what Coffee Joe does tonight.

Girardi Plans, God Laughs

The Yankees showed incredible short-sightedness when they included Master of Disaster A.J. Burnett on their post-season roster, and now that mistake could very well end their season.

There was no legitimate reason to carry Burnett on the roster save to spare the psychotic hurler's very expensive feelings. If Burnett had gotten into a game on the Division Series' planned schedule, that would have meant the Yankees were getting blown out -- in which chase, who cares who pitched?

But, as 24 different games this year have shown, rain was likely to impact this cold-weather series. And the Yankees were caught with their pants around their ankles when Mother Nature came a-knockin'. If a game were rained out (which happened), or if a starter got injured (also possible), the team knew they'd need a fourth starter. Yet they didn't carry Bartolo Colon, who was significantly better than Burnett all season.

You'll hear a lot of justification about how Burnett was good down the stretch, but if you look at Fielding Independent Pitching, he was no better than the rest of the season. He basically pitched one good start against Boston in a meaningless game the last week of the season. The rest of the 162-game schedule, the guy was a walking, blond gopher-ball machine. And now he might decide the fate of the season.

There is no excuse for this kind of poor planning from Joe Girardi and Brian Cashman.

Maybe Not So Much?

* Also -- "Newbury Street's Frozen Yogurt Wars"? Ha ha ha ha ha. Good city. Good newspaper.

** Also -- congratulations to the 2011 A.L. Eastern Division Champion New York Yankees. I've said it before, and I hope to say it again, but this never gets old.

Oh, Joe.

Joe Girardi, haven't you ever seen a horror movie? When you have the terrible, mutilated creature on the ground, you fucking step on its throat. Then you chop its head off. Then you throw the head into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Then you pour the vat of acid into the East River. That's what you do.

Look, I know that technically the Yankees had nothing to play for last night. They've clinched the division, they've clinched home field, there's nothing more to clinch. Girardi didn't want anyone to get hurt. I get it.

But he and the Yankees had a chance to absolutely bury the Red Sox and they didn't do it. Something tells me that decision is going to come back to haunt them. Leave aside the rivalry and the recent history between the teams. Forget about it. What matters is this: the Red Sox are probably still the best team in the American League. Do you want the Yankees to face them in the ALCS?

Yes, they're in an awful slide. But they started out the season 2-10 and then caught fire. In a short series, Jon Lester and Josh Beckett are better than any duo the Yankees can come up with. Boston's lineup is at least the Yankees' equal, and their closer has been unimpeachable. Despite everything, I still think that if they get in the playoffs, they're the most likely A.L. World Series representative.

And not only did Girardi's unwillingness to go for the kill give Boston a one-game lead, it gave them momentum and a hook to hang their "team of destiny" underdog bullshit story on.

Austin Romine with the game on the line? With ARod and Jeter on the bench? Scott Proctor to lose it, again? (Please, won't someone put poor star-crossed Scott out of his misery?) The Yankees are 4-11 in extra-innings games this year. Normally, I'd write that off as a small-sample-sized fluke -- but not having seen Girardi's decision-making process. He continually allows his best pitcher to sit in the bullpen, saving him for a lead that won't ever come. He uses pitchers and hitters who aren't the best he has available. In extra-inning games, Girardi becomes a liability to the team.

Now he's given Boston life. Let's hope he doesn't live to regret it.

The Return: A Short Story

September 1, 2011, Boston, MA

The car sped by the ballpark in a flash, barely pausing to open the rear passenger side door and toss the package out on the street.

The package landed with a bone-crushing thud on the pavement, a large mass covered in old quilts and tied with twine. The package began to shift and move on the ground.

The quilts were thrown aside and a cloaked, hooded figure emerged. The hunched, wretched creature shuffled toward the clubhouse door. Not recognizably human, it moved forward only with intense effort.

It entered the clubhouse unnoticed and paused in the middle of the room, its face and head completely swaddled. After several minutes, the trainer, Gene Monahan came upon the figure and asked what its business was. The creature grunted, almost inaudibly. Assuming it was a sick, homeless man who had wandered in off the street, Monahan asked assistant trainer Steve Donohue to fetch some warm soup. Monahan gently began to peel away layers of rags until finally the creature straightened and revealed its craggy face from under a mound of unwashed hair.

"My God!" gasped Monahan. A crowd quickly gathered around.

"Are you..." said someone.

"Is that..." said someone.

"Scott? Scott Proctor? Is that you?" said Monahan.

The creature cleared its throat and spoke. "I...I was called that once, yes. Scott. That is my name. Scott."

That's Cervelli!

After his heroics and agitations against the Red Sox last night, Francisco Cervilli managed an even more impressive feat in post-game interviews: he broke the vaunted and long-held Backup Catcher Third Person barrier.

"That's Cervelli," he said, describing his emotive behavior on the field. Indeed.

Coming this fall to ABC! Wednesdays at 8:30, after Cougartown, catch American's hottest new sitcom, "That's Cervelli!"


Watch the hilarity that ensues when Francisco Cervelli finds himself in some pretty wacky situations:

• Francisco Cervelli's wife wants him to fix the toilet -- but he just wants to watch football!
• Francisco Cervelli has two dates to the prom -- and they're twin sisters Tia and Tamara!
• Francisco Cervelli has to babysit -- for a mischievous Jack Russell terrier!
• Francisco Cervelli gets a new job -- posing nude at the local art school!
• Francisco Cervelli claps when he hits a home run -- and gets drilled in the back by John Lackey!