Via IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS...caught, poor little Kevin Youkilis can't understand why the mean old Yankees keep throwing baseballs at his head! And fast!
Then, the man with the best ugly face/ugly name combination in baseball has the nerve to wrap himself in the cloak of Paul O'Neill to excuse his general douchery:
"They play 'Yankeeography' on Paul O'Neill every day. So, what's the problem? I've been compared to Paul O'Neill. I know Paul O'Neill. We have the same agent."
Youk, I served with Paul O'Neill. I knew Paul O'Neill. Paul O'Neill was a friend of mine. Youk, you're no Paul O'Neill.
(rapturous applause)
Poor, put-upon Kevin Youkilis wants to know why he is loathed and Paul O'Neill is beloved. Seems pretty simple to me, Redbeard: Paul O'Neill is not a ginormous douchefucker. You might want to work on that.
The whole article is worth reading, to enjoy Kevie's insane victim complex, to witness how truly dumb he sounds whenever he tries to speak, and to actually hear him use the phrase, "I never pimped a home run in my life." Uhh...you might want to talk to a couple of your teammates about that last one, K-Youk.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
A Visit From the Vengeful Ghost of Paul Quantrill
INT. - BEDROOM - NIGHT
JOE TORRE slumbers peacefully in his footy pajamas and stocking cap. He snores gently, his breath reeking of green tea and peach pits. He sleeps alone, for his young wife is in a hotel room with Chris Britton. The VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL enters the bedroom and begins loudly rattling his chains. His right arm is disconnected at the shoulder and drags on the floor, held in place only by grotesquely stretched skin. Joe Torre sleeps on.
JOE TORRE slumbers peacefully in his footy pajamas and stocking cap. He snores gently, his breath reeking of green tea and peach pits. He sleeps alone, for his young wife is in a hotel room with Chris Britton. The VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL enters the bedroom and begins loudly rattling his chains. His right arm is disconnected at the shoulder and drags on the floor, held in place only by grotesquely stretched skin. Joe Torre sleeps on.
VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL
How can this guy sleep after what he's done to me?The ghost hovers over Torre and slaps him hard across the face with his left hand. The aged manager doesn't stir. The ghost pinches Torre's nostrils shut until he wakes up in a fit of coughing and wheezing.
JOE
Wha? Huh? Wha? What's happening? Who the fuck are you?!?!
VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL
I am the Vengeful Ghost of Paul Quantrill. You might remember me from the 2004 New York Yankees. I was part of something wonderful called QuanGorMo. Unfortunately, you destroyed the precious gift you were granted by pitching me until my arm fell off and I died. Now I am doomed to wander the baseball afterlife carrying these chains. And look at what has become of my once vital right arm. I was never an effective pitcher again.The ghost tries to move his right arm, but it only flops around on the ground like a dead fish.
JOE
Wow, that is repulsive. Sorry, man, but what could I do? We had to win ballgames. There's so much pressure to win every night in New York! The Red Sox are always on our tail!
VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL
And how did that work out for you in 2004, you senile fuck? When you burn out your only decent pitchers by August, they've got nothing left for the playoffs. And you can really damage their careers.
JOE
Fuck you, what do you know? You've never sat in my seat on the bench. You can't understand what it's like to manage the New York Motherhumpin' Yankees. You're just a relief pitcher. Disposable. Expendable. I'm Joe Torre. Maybe you've heard of me? What's that? I can't hear you with my FOUR WORLD SERIES RINGS CLOGGING MY EARS. Go haunt Dallas Green, you spook.
VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL
(knees Joe Torre in the gut)
It's not going to be that simple. You see, there are others just like me. Others who hate you and want you fired, incapacitated or both. Say hello to my friends.The angry, bitter spirits of TOM GORDON, TANYON STURTZE, SCOTT PROCTOR and LUIS VIZCAINO appear at the foot of Torre's bed. They are all dragging their right arms on the floor, and moaning inconsolably.
JOE
Yeah...um...about that...I'm...uh...sorry. I...uh...didn't mean to...
VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL
We know there was no intent, you fool. That's why you're still breathing. But you are willfully neglectful and aggressively stupid with your bullpen management. The reason we are here tonight is because....there is another.
JOE
Another what?
VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL
Another.The Vengeful Ghost of Paul Quantrill motions (left-handed) to the bedroom window, which has suddenly transformed into a portal through time and space. Joe Torre can see himself, sitting in the dugout on August 30, in a game against the Red Sox.
PAST RON GUIDRY
What do you think, Joe? Shut the kid down for day?
PAST JOE TORRE
Nah, Joba's tough. Send him out there for another inning.
PAST RON GUIDRY
But we have a 5-0 lead! And he's only 21...
PAST JOE TORRE
Fuck it. Joba, get back out there, kid. What can it hurt?Back in his bed, Joe Torre gasps.
PRESENT JOE TORRE
Oh my Lord! How could be I so naive? So wrong? When there's so much research about the damage of overusing young pitchers? What have I done? I'm sorry, to all of you!Joe Torre breaks down into pathetic sobbing.
VENGEFUL GHOST OF PAUL QUANTRILL
It is too late for us. But not...for him. Change now, Joe Torre, or join us in eternal damnation.FADE OUT.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Radar Guns of Navarone
The most watched man in last night's blowout win over Seattle wasn't Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain or Alex Rodriguez. It was the dude holding the radar gun clocking Phil Hughes's pitches.
As concern grows about Hughes's velocity and results, no one can seem to figure out why he's not throwing 93-95, the way he was in the minors. Is he still injured? Tentative from the old injuries? Building arm strength? Overrated?
Last night, Hughes was consistently in the 90-92 range, which is better than he's been the last few starts, but not where he needs to be if he's going to merit his hype. His last fastball, pitch number 97, struck out Ben Broussard but only clocked in at 87 MPH.
Hughes had better results last night, giving up two earned runs in six innings, but neither his velocity nor his command seem right. He's still locating his fastball up in the zone, and when it's not 95 MPH, guys like Raul Ibanez are going to hit it out of the ballpark. Seattle is a free-swinging team that doesn't have a lot of great hitters beyond Ichiro, otherwise last night could have turned out a lot worse for Hughes and the Yankees.
Even though Hughes has only really shown his potential in one big-league start this year (the abbreviated no-hitter), I remain hopeful that his ability will win out. Scouts and numbers alike agree on this kid the way they rarely do on any prospect, and I don't believe he's the pitcher he's shown so far this season. I'm not worried yet. Not much.
As concern grows about Hughes's velocity and results, no one can seem to figure out why he's not throwing 93-95, the way he was in the minors. Is he still injured? Tentative from the old injuries? Building arm strength? Overrated?
Last night, Hughes was consistently in the 90-92 range, which is better than he's been the last few starts, but not where he needs to be if he's going to merit his hype. His last fastball, pitch number 97, struck out Ben Broussard but only clocked in at 87 MPH.
Hughes had better results last night, giving up two earned runs in six innings, but neither his velocity nor his command seem right. He's still locating his fastball up in the zone, and when it's not 95 MPH, guys like Raul Ibanez are going to hit it out of the ballpark. Seattle is a free-swinging team that doesn't have a lot of great hitters beyond Ichiro, otherwise last night could have turned out a lot worse for Hughes and the Yankees.
Even though Hughes has only really shown his potential in one big-league start this year (the abbreviated no-hitter), I remain hopeful that his ability will win out. Scouts and numbers alike agree on this kid the way they rarely do on any prospect, and I don't believe he's the pitcher he's shown so far this season. I'm not worried yet. Not much.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
A Chris Britton Sighting!
Well, we have learned in the past two days that Joe Torre is willing to unleash Chris Britton only in cases of blowout.
Britton pitched a scoreless 1.1 innings last night in mop-up duty during last night's 12-3 win over Seattle. So, at the very least, he must not be sleeping with Joe Torre's wife anymore. Now, if he'll just stop sleeping with Torre's sister, maybe he'll pitch in a situation that counts.
Meanwhile, Joba Chamberlain hasn't thrown a pitch since the one that flew over Kevin Youkilis's ugly head on Thursday. So when he comes in and doesn't have command in a tight game at some point in the next couple days, you'll know why. Mr. Torre has no concept of bullpen management. It's always been his biggest weakness, and it's getting worse with age.
Alex Rodriguez and Chien-Ming Wang both came out of last night's game a little banged up, and ARod is questionable for tonight's series finale with a turned ankle. Wang came out of the game with a stiff back, but should be fine to make his next start.
Phil Hughes tries to turn things around tonight, now that Clay Buchholz has thrown down the gauntlet. Let's hope we see more of this:
Britton pitched a scoreless 1.1 innings last night in mop-up duty during last night's 12-3 win over Seattle. So, at the very least, he must not be sleeping with Joe Torre's wife anymore. Now, if he'll just stop sleeping with Torre's sister, maybe he'll pitch in a situation that counts.
Meanwhile, Joba Chamberlain hasn't thrown a pitch since the one that flew over Kevin Youkilis's ugly head on Thursday. So when he comes in and doesn't have command in a tight game at some point in the next couple days, you'll know why. Mr. Torre has no concept of bullpen management. It's always been his biggest weakness, and it's getting worse with age.
Alex Rodriguez and Chien-Ming Wang both came out of last night's game a little banged up, and ARod is questionable for tonight's series finale with a turned ankle. Wang came out of the game with a stiff back, but should be fine to make his next start.
Phil Hughes tries to turn things around tonight, now that Clay Buchholz has thrown down the gauntlet. Let's hope we see more of this:
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
A Few Words About Clay Buchholz's No-Hitter
My inbred, asthmatic cousin could pitch a no-hitter against Baltimore.
Also, stop stealing Phil Hughes's ideas.
Also, stop stealing Phil Hughes's ideas.
Lost Weekend
A lot to catch up on after a miserable long weekend for the Yankees.
- Most importantly, the Bombers lost three of four to the woeful Devil Rays and the marginal Mariners, in turn letting Seattle and Detroit inch closer in the Wild Card race. The Yankees looked incredibly flat all weekend, and recently they've shown a disturbing predilection for throwing in the towel once they're down by a handful of runs.
- Nice Guy Andy Phillips is out for the season with a broken wrist after being hit by a pitch. This is a problem, because Joe Torre will either play Jason Giambi at first base too much, increasing the chances he breaks down, or, God forbid, throw Minky back out there. Some people never learn. Wilson Betemit's slump vastly increases the chances Torre will turn to the Minkman sooner than later.
- Roger Clemens will miss at least a start and get an MRI on his right elbow after reporting a "grabbing" sensation during Monday's drilling by Seattle. The way Clemens has pitched lately, Mike Mussina isn't necessarily all that much of a downgrade. But the Yankees' rotation is suddenly frightful for the stretch run, with Wang and Pettitte looking solid, Phil Hughes struggling, Clemens hurt, Mussina legally dead and Ian Kennedy with one big-league start. Joba in the rotation, anyone?
- Edwar Ramirez struggled yet again Sunday vs. Tampa. Can he not pitch while trailing? Or is he simply not a major-league pitcher? His minor league numbers and strikeout rate suggest he can succeed at this level, but he's giving up a ton of home runs right now. If he's not effective, the bullpen is massively shaky aafter Mariano Rivera and Joba.
- Needless to say, a huge game tonight for the Yankees, with summer officially over. They need to win at least one of the remaining two games from Seattle to continue controlling their own destiny.
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